cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize