So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize