im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
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Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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