I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
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I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
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People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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