Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
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Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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