i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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