I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
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Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize