your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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