i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
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The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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