I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize