I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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