if i can run in heels then i can drive
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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