If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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