so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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