Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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