i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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