I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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