Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorry my hands just texted you
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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