The maid of honor just puked.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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