my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
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she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
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Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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