my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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