I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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