I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
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And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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