I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I looked at my own cervix.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
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I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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