Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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