just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
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My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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