no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
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Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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