last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
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Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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