he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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