He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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