You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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