You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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