Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
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the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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