he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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