This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
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