the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
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I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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