For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
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you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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