Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
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you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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