so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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