I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize