Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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