onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
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He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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