Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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