my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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