Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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