If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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