we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
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Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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