my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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