I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
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He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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