Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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